Nerf Baby

I now have tangible proof that there is, in fact, a God. And He (or She) certainly operates the universe according to a plan.

From whence, do you ask, comes this burst of divine faith? From a lunch conversation several days ago. We all got on the topic of harrowing baby mishaps: children falling off of changing stations, aunties accidentally smashing little toddler heads against the undersides of bay windows, and (my personal favorite) games of “toss the laughing baby” gone horribly awry due to the presence of a ceiling fan–of a TURNED ON ceiling fan.

Now, the reason I enjoyed these stories was not because I’m sadistic and evil. It’s because these incidents all involved babies who are now children or adults… and all fully-functioning members of society. At the time, I listened with a certain level of smugness, thinking, “The worst I’ve ever done to Sweet Pea is accidentally ‘burp’ the back of her head one night when I was too tired to realize what I was patting.”

Then today, I was swinging Sweet Pea onto my shoulders as I’ve done a thousand times before. Only this time, I happened to be (thoughtlessly) standing under one of the beautiful low archways in our 1940s home. I’m sure you can guess what happened: bump. Cry. Guilt. Oh, and then guilt compounded 15 minutes later, when I was trying to fasten the last snap on her onesie as she crawled away. It was like a physics problem gone awry, all at-odds force and momentum. She pitched her head into the floor and wailed like I’d pushed her there on purpose.

Mother of the Year, right here.

So what does all of this have to do with God, you ask?  Well, if I hadn’t heard those stories at lunch, I’d be having a case of apocalytpic terror right now. There would be phone calls to the doctor, and bright lights shining in Sweet Pea’s eyes. There would be lying awake at night, wondering how many points our little head knock shaved off her SAT score.

As it is, I just feel like a bad person. But I’m a bad person who’s less worried about whether she’s caused her daughter permanent brain damage… so hey, let’s call it a win.

The universe is, indeed, benevolent.

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3 thoughts on “Nerf Baby

  1. Oh, Kate. Fret, not. You may have seen a little story I told about locking my keys (oh, and MY BABY) in the car. And then there was the time that I thought he’d closed the gate and he thought I’d closed the gate and… newly crawling baby discovered stairs. Thankfully, Daddy caught him. Horrifying experiences, all of them, but babies are indeed strong little creatures. You are a splendid mother and Sweet Pea is lucky to have you.

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